Preamble: this page isn't supposed to be funni meme. It might be in some ways, though. This page is mostly about me figuring out what I am. I feel like I'm trying to titrate a jug of concentrated "Being an Animal" into an already extremely volatile flask of "Being a Christian". There is trouble in my spirit.
At some point you gotta find out whether you're more of a human in an animal kind of way, or an animal in a human kind of way.
The ginseng [note: it was actually chamomiil] tea has made me sleepy and now its time to lay down to rest. Godwilling I will see you early in the morning. A day starts anew, and with God's help and good hope, many things will start anew with it. (21h 48)
It was like a passing wave of drowsiness, and it is gone. It brought me down into a peaceful calmness, as I rested, eyes closed, a fullbody tranqil softness. And now there is rain and lightning and thunder. I will myself to appreciate its beauty and goodness, and learn to rest as the skies do their work this night.
Now I lay sideways in my bed, one light dim, wiring these words, and really trying to understand the softness and sweetness of this moment. The warmth, the comforts, the familiar smells—oh, the familiar smells. What causes a tide of emotion like a long-lost smell! But not even lost, just perenial, and comfortably familiar. (22h 38)
In many ways I want to be an animal. But an animal in a human kind of way, or a human in an animal kind of way? The latter I think I can do: human in an animal kind of way. And what is that? Well, I think first about a mind that has sensitive instincts. Not overwhelmed by thinking. The world is what it is, Nature is what it is, and my body is what it is. Sense, react, and do. And then comes physical power, strength and agility. In a way, the animals train always. But also they don't. Because is it practice or just execution. Not practicing for the sake of practice, but for living. Surviving. But I have this advantage. I do not fight to survive, so I can practice to thrive.
I have wanted to have an animal body, namely a big dog or any kind of cat. Because I envy their power; the cats especially. On the land, who matches the strength, agility—not to mention the elegance, of these big cats? Who says he can't envy the perfected body of a tiger? But the human animal has a remarkable body for himself, which he can adorn with exceptional strength, endurance, and gracefulness. So this is why I envy the animal's body, but not completely. And I can't go on wishing I were something else while neglecting who I am immediately. (23h 30)
Would I say that I'm therian? I don't think so. But close. Whatever is close to that, but not that. I've never felt an intense species dysphoria. That being said, I still feel like an animal. And I feel deeply a wish to be more of an animal. But not to an extent that I fell distress over my humanity.
Maybe this is the way forward. Maybe all my troubles stem from one source: that I haven't let myself be nearly as much of the animal I'm meant to be. I need to make my body move around and writhe with energy. Yes, more energy! Stop at nothing to get more energy, and more power, in my blood.
Where is my blood? That it should flow so viscously and lifelessly? Stiff as a dead man; cold as a corpse. Life is hot and fast and supple. God made the human animals like jewels in His crown. He made us to leap and run and course through the whole earth.
Know your sacred spaces. Learn the places where you really feel like a sheepdog. Find these spacces and live in them, because those are your domain. I want to feel the cool earth beneath my paws, my breath panting on the mountain air, and my muscles vibrating. When I feel these all at once, the I will understand. (01h 30)
I settled down for a couple days and now I'm ready to think about it again. I am definitely some kind of animal-thing. I could't tell you exactly what, but I am something.
I experience a lot of animal moments. I feel closer to some species at different times than others.
Not wanting to express myself in words: rather just wishing to growl or bark or chirp or whatever. Craving wordless physical contact. Rubbing you with my cheek and the top of my head, like a cat. Being elated by hearing the sound of myself panting like a dog. Shaking my head and body--especially to dry off--ruffling my hair; the extacy of feeling my soft mane on my shoulders. Standing on my toes and walking "digitigrade." Intoxicated by my own scent, and obsessed with detecting my own scent on other things, like clothes or furniture. Raising my head, alert, and nearly sensing tall, swiveling ears scanning the space around me. Being pet. Being scratched behind the ears. Being called a dog. Being called any animal, for that matter. Rolling on the ground. Laying on the grass. Sleeping on my side with my arms and legs splayed rampant like a quadruped.
A tangible sense of my spirit; and the animism of all things.
I once palpably imagined myself as some feral beast, like a dragon. I just felt my body and its surface. I felt great, heavy paws beneath me, flattening the cool wet grass. I stomped them in the mud with satisfaction. I felt a breeze on my fur. A powerful tail whipped behind me. Hot air rushed out my nostrils, and as I inhaled I noticed my rich scent. I can't tell you exactly what I was, but it felt like me.
I don't really know where to look next. There are people I want to talk to and share my experiences with. And others, well, how could I even tell them? Eventually. There is a lot to figure out and discover. To understand, or at least accept.
Strange and new, yet old; things are happening in my spirit. More will be made known in its time. These funny little animal things.
Collared right now. I love it more than I care to admit. It presses against my throat and I feel something in my entire body that makes me go wow, I really am some kind of animal. It's not choking me. I made sure.
I've said before that I don't know what my kintype is. But chances are it's some kind of dog. I think that dogs are the most like us. Well, I think that many animals are much like us. Lots of people get that. But generally, dogs might be the most like us. I might be a dog. Often times I feel like creatures other than a dog.
Maybe that's why I chose the dragon. Maybe the dragon chose me. Because there's little that I can't ascribe to "dragon behaviour". Just about anything can be attributed to the dragon. We're just versatile like that. I can be anything I want, and my attributes can be as dynamic as they wish.
I think that there are forces that are external just as internal. Naturally. Both are powerful. Yes, powerful external forces. But I can't pretend that my own spirit isn't also immensely powerful. We all are.
No matter what way God created me, His created spirits are each so powerful. Capable of both great blessings and curses. I try for blessings... I just want to be some creature of light and goodness. I wish no capacity for evil. That no matter what animal haunts my spirit, that he works bright wonders, singing beautiful songs of a divine creation. (2024-07-03)
You and I are not the same. I caught daddy issues from a picture book I saw at a garage sale.
tippy tapped into my EVIL computer in a.d. 2024-2025